Turning Points
I was married for 8 years to a person with a dissociative disorder. Once, during a moment of lucidity, my spouse said: “It’s like I’m in a dark room, swinging a sword, and then someone turns on a light and I see the blood and body parts of the people I love all around me.”
I thought it was a turning point. It wasn’t.
After getting referred to the sexual assault center, I learned that a real turning point would mean my partner taking responsibility for his behaviour and for our safety in the marriage. He was not able to. I was not safe.
I was a marriage counsellor
who just wouldn’t give up on someone I loved.
The next time he turned on me, and wouldn’t get help as he had committed to do, I knew I would continue to be abused. So now, after 2 years of separation, patience, prayer, encouragement, distance, and hard work, it’s almost over.
It’s not over ’till the fat lady sings.
(I’m not singing yet. I tried yesterday. A croak came out. It’s a start.)
I’m still getting help from the sexual assault center. They tell me it takes a while for the wound to heal, especially when it keeps getting picked open again and again from legal proceedings, unsolicited contact attempts, triggers, memories…
In the meantime, food has helped to cover up the wound.
But I’m getting better. I can tell.
I can sleep in my bed again. I am safe there. Finally.
I suffer from dissociative disorders and your ex is absolutely correct…the analogy of swinging a sword in the dark struck such a nerve in us. I wish I could help it, but I cannot. I have finally gotten to the point where I’m no longer afraid to get help – I hope your ex gets to that point in his life as well.
To have to face the things inside us….the evil, the hatred, the shame, fear, and overwhelming sadness through the eyes of my kids was the turning point for me. They know my monster, it has a name – yet they still have to call me Mom.
Thanks for your comment. It’s great that you are getting help.
One thing I wish I’d known then was Steven Stosny’s work.
http://compassionpower.com/
By the end, I no longer safe finding compassion for my dissociative disorded husband. Or for for myself. The attacks left a barbed-wired trace across my heart.
Stosny’s work is practical. I am finding compassion for him again, though I will not see him or speak to him again. And I am finding compassion for me, for all the mistakes I made.
I wish that for you and your family too. Best of luck.
I was married to someone with this issue for over 25 years. My boys and I are very fortunate to be alive. Their mother, my wife had been sexually molested as a child but forgot that it ever happened until a marriage counselor that I called told the both of us that we didn’t need a marriage counselor…that “this girl needs help”. At that point all of the sexual memories started to rise to the surface.
The story is so unbelievable that my son has spent the last 13 years or so writing a memoir about it. Not a writer per se he is on his fourth edit, working closely with a professional he is determined to tell the story.
We had no idea what we were dealing with for the longest time. People have to be made aware of this. Living with someone with this condition is dangerous at the very least.
One day she would write to me in the most beautiful and loving way. Then a moment later she would be hiding knives under the pillow. Thank God we are alive today. This is the girl that I married…….for better or worse……….but this was far beyond worse. Absolutely unbelievable is the only phrase that even begins to do it justice. And guilt…..I am or was her husband struggling with the knowledge that she was molested as a child and wanting to protect and help her as an adult once I realized what was going on. But she resented the protection and my attempts to help her “get better”. Ultimately she tried to kill both myself and the boys by pouring gasoline around the house and on my in bed and then ( i caught her just at the moment ) tried to light a match. She ended up in jail, then a forensic hospital followed by a number of mental hospitals and on and on………
People need to be made aware of this condition. It is a goal of ours. There have to be people around the world that have no idea what they are dealing with and our hearts go out to them. The person with the disorder obviously has major issues that have to be dealt with but the people living with that person need to be brought up to speed on what they are dealing with and the dangers that accompany the relationship!
Hi, Frank,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry that this happened to you and your family. You are right that information is needed on dissociative disorders and how to stay safe – and sane – with a person who has one.
We also need to know how to heal from the traumatic trace of the relationship, to “break the cycle”. Traumatic, abusive marriages and parenting leave deep wounds. How do we break the cycle and heal?
It sounds like one way your family is approaching healing is to tell the story. Even if it is never “published”, there is healing in that process.
Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh says we must “turn the garbage into flowers”, or use it as compost from which something beautiful can grow.
What are other ways you have found to heal from the trauma?
I wish you and your family all the best on this journey of healing.
I am glad to have found this site, I am just learning about dissociative disorders and am trying to help spread the word. Your personal stories are a big help, all of you.
@demons: Thanks for your note. Good luck with your journey.